Kim So-i: "It's like a past life with TTMA; I endured the self-hatred in my 40s." [Interview ③]

*This content was translated by AI.

Kim So-i, who debuted as a member of the group TTMA and later expanded her career into acting and directing, opened up about her journey of accepting herself "as she is" after enduring endless self-questioning and periods of self-hatred.

On the 28th, we spoke with Kim So-i at the Seoul Jongno-gu StarNews building. She is a director who has helmed three films: "Finger" (2011), "Rebound" (2019), and "My Eggs" (2020).

Kim So-i said, "Creation is my indispensable tool of expression. As an actress, there are limits to what I can express. It is also a profession where I am selected, and when I act out stories I did not write myself, I am merely lending my voice; sometimes it is not entirely mine."

Kim So-i, who admitted to feeling a deep thirst for this, added, "I have been creating unconsciously for a long time. Film is a comprehensive medium that encompasses writing, acting, and music. It is a gift-like outlet for me, but it is also extremely difficult."

Mentioning her close friend and fellow director Jo Eun-ji, who has directed several feature films, Kim said, "I admire her so much. She told me to write a feature film, but it is an area I dare not even attempt. When I expressed my concerns about feeling burdened, she told me, 'Don't think of it as showing off art; think of it as telling a story.' That snapped me out of it."

She continued, "I am still writing short films, and I think I will move forward when the time is right. If I rush, I might stumble unnecessarily. Especially since filmmaking is a collaborative effort involving many people, premature challenges can cause harm. I believe I will create when I am ready and the time is right."

Recalling her debut days with the group TTMA, she said, "Thinking back now, it feels like a past life. It feels like living a second life." She added, "While I was active as an idol, the question 'Who am I?' grew larger, and because of that question, there were times when I pushed everything away and tried to go in the opposite direction."

She defines herself as an "independent human being" and shared, "At one point, I was very hard on myself, but over time, I have gained some breathing room. Now, I have hope that I can embrace both indie sensibilities and mainstream appeal."

However, she revealed that the process was not smooth. She said, "There were times when I suffered from severe self-hatred. After my idol days, when I appeared frequently on variety shows, I hated seeing myself smiling on TV. I even felt disgusted by myself for smiling outwardly while my heart was dark inside."

She also spoke about the changes she has experienced in her 40s. She said, "Now I think, 'What is the problem?' I have come to accept that this is me and that is me as well. Whether I am wearing high heels or sneakers, both are part of me."

She added, "Still, I think I have crossed all those periods in a healthy way. Now, I am praising those times a lot."

Kim So-i also candidly discussed her strict attitude toward herself. She said, "I do not watch my acting performances closely. While I watch the films I directed dozens or hundreds of times during editing, I do not even watch the monitors for my acting roles; I accept them as they are when the director says 'okay.' I only see them once during the screening."

She added, "I think I am quite harsh on myself. Someday, I hope there will be a day when I can look at myself a little more generously and say, 'That was good enough.' However, I am also afraid that if that day comes, I might become complacent."

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*This content was translated by AI.